Just an unimportant collection of thoughts about this ordinary life.
I’ve dedicated considerable minutes thinking about how to begin this essay. First and foremost, this will not be about condemning or offending other people. Such a petty and pitiful behavior has no place in my life, I’ve got no time for that shit. Oh, I also considered using a more formal language but I’ll slip a swear word here and there. I’m sorry if it is not of your liking, but it feels more natural if I don’t hold words from making an appearance.
Have you ever asked yourself, “Am I dying?” or “What the hell is happening to me?”. Some people seem to be most susceptible to psychological woes, they are dangerous, indeed, but my recent experience relates to physical woes. I’ve asked myself if I was dying. I’ve forced myself to sleep, waiting for the substances in my bloodstream to do their magic, to numb the pain. My only objective was getting to another day, not knowing what I’d find next. The possibility of leaving that place was unknown to me. I had been in bad places earlier in life, but this was another kind of different. It’s kind of funny, you know? When you’re in such a bad shape that people are talking about how bad you are right in front of you, and yet you can only ask, “Who the hell are they talking about?” It had happened before, nothing new there. Scary, nonetheless. My recent escape from a psycho-social prison had left me bruised, deep wounds bring the pain. It was a high price I had to pay.
I’m not perfect, some of these pains were self-inflicted. Cutting through flesh and bone to make an escape route was very difficult, unmerciful even. But, as always, there is a silver lining in this. A renewed sense of freedom. Reinforced purposes. Challenged assumptions. Another silent revolution.
Back in the day, when I was just a child, I used to play with my action figures. I would modify them, make them look cooler. I would create stories, purposes, choices, alliances and betrayals. Max Steel was dope as fuck.
I would try my hand as an inventor, artist and thinker.
I would watch cartoons and admire the values instilled into super-heroes, before I even knew how deep those dilemmas were, real-life struggles.
In the future, I found no actions figures, but my own body. Therefore, I had to write stories in order to bring them to life. I had to reflect on my own purposes. My own choices. Alliances and Betrayals. Life is harsh sometimes, but I like it because it’s not always that way. I would say it’s 70% things to enjoy, 30% harshness. It has two main challenges, at least my own life does. Being consistent. Staying in equilibrium.
Life is contradictory, there cannot be consistency without powering through at once, equilibrium without sowing chaos. Maybe that’s my opinion because I’ve always been intellectually rebellious. This has served me in many good ways along all the years. Not fitting a mold, not joining a trend. Positioning oneself in order to avoid unnecessary shocks, playing smart instead of brute-forcing it at once without thinking beforehand.
I’ve fended off attacks, I’ve avoided uninspiring opinions. I’ve fallen prey to unhelpful feelings, I’ve branded people pathetic. I’ve lacked equilibrium.
I’ve been reasonably consistent, unless something or someone manages to rattle my cage, but that’s very rare. Once, a quiet, shy boy. Now, a calm, collected man. Thankful for his education, he recognizes the privilege of having good, loving parents. He recognizes “lucking it out” many times. Always striving for good things, being a good son, a good student, a good brother, a bad conformist, a good and rebellious intellectual. These things carry their weight, I cannot expect everyone to understand me. I cannot expect everyone to agree with what I say. I cannot change someone other than myself. This last sentence is interesting because I always knew that, and yet I hoped for change in what I could not make a difference. I intended to wait for it until it magically appeared. Good intentions, naive actions. Lessons learned.
Aiming for consistency and equilibrium teaches you many things. It teaches you about your own insecurities. It makes you face them, befriend them. If you are a good friend they will even present you to their friends. Their friends can be deceiving and dangerously cunning. Do not let them stay in your house too much, or else they’ll become a pain in the ass. You have to be street-smart. You’ll become socially intelligent. These traits are really useful if you are an introvert just like I am. Acknowledging your limited scope of action, it helps with empathy. Being empathetic makes you look at people from different perspectives. It also makes you better at looking inward, looking at what’s wrong and needs fixing.
This essay has proved to be useful. There’s no point in writing much more at this moment. I’ll leave with some short, powerful thoughts. They’ll may also prove themselves useful in the future.
Seek consistency, it will take you to your destination. Cultivate wisdom.
Seek equilibrium, it will lead you to avoiding harm. Cultivate wisdom.
Forget consistency, redline it. Cultivate wisdom.
Forget equilibrium, befriend chaos. Cultivate wisdom.
Forge your personal philosophy with each passing day. This is your way.
Avoid self-destruction, keep track of your way.
Acknowledge your prison, enjoy your freedom.
Be you when they are others.
Be nothing when they are everything.
Deeds, not words.
Do not expected to be understood, be willing to understand.
Keep being intellectually rebellious. Stay curious.
Your judgment is not good enough to twist the knife, leave it. This is too powerful and cruel to be in your hands.
Keep blood other than your own far from you.
Keep your hands bare, your feet firmly planted on the ground, your body light as a feather.
Keep being helpful, honest, loving, caring and everything you know so well you are.
Be mindful of your time.
Feel at ease with yourself, just as you are right now. I’m seeing your confident smirk.
Be wise, don’t stay ahead. Don’t stay behind. Be mindful of your position.
Practice and prepare. Don’t be afraid, your disregard for fear is very peculiar.
Be wise. Realign.
Don’t run against the wind. It cannot get tired, but you can.
Stop saying, “Fuck it!” out loud, try saying it mentally only. Unless you’re alone, of course!
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